Letter to Legacy

Dearest Legacy,

10 years your person.

Most people will never hear the long version of our story… because some stories are too sublime for words. So here is the short version.

I met you when you were precocious, young, and beautiful. I thought you were the most exquisite creature in the world. Eight years passed, and when I met you again, we were both lost, troubled and nearly without hope. We both had endured betrayal, pain and mistreatment. You were weeks away from being euthanized, and no one wanted you but me.

I remember calling my mother after the first time I saw you again … and saying that I was worried you were too far gone from this world to bring you back. Nevertheless, I saw you the next day. On this second day, you marked me forever; you looked into me - through every particle of my being. And when you did, I knew you were still “there” and you wanted a better deal in life. Everyone near us saw the you that was still there, behind your caramel eyes, for that little, magic moment in time.

The first month, I would rush to leave work so I could be with you as much as possible. I would literally sleep in the hay next to you, because there was nowhere else I would rather be. The stars were beautiful those August nights.

When you were not ok, your demons would lead you away from this troubling reality. You would slip down a dark hole and start self-mutilating your chest and legs. You would rear-up and crack one hoof against the other front leg until your splints would fracture, heal and fracture again. The layers of scars from years of this way of escape had made your bones lumpy and your skin as thick and marred as elephant hide.

What people did to you brought these demons into your life, and it was so unfair that they abandoned you when those very demons scared them. I meant so much to you because I was the first to see you through the other side. I would sit with you for hours, brush your hair, sing you songs under my breath, help you find your feet, and do what I could to help you shake them, to help you return to your body. People who never met you will think I am projecting or personifying. I don’t mind what they think because they weren’t there to help. The people who saw those times know what I am talking about. You suffered many tormented years, my friend. I am so sorry for the pain and misery that humans brought to you. You did nothing to deserve the brutality you endured and I am so sorry for how misunderstood you were through your life.

Any way in which I was able to make your life better, you matched that and more for mine. You were my first horse back into the saddle after years away from the stables. After one significant horse-heart break and human-betrayal, I didn’t want anything to do with the pain that (inevitably?) comes from giving it your all. So I quit horses cold-turkey for four years. For me, that meant a rip in my identity. I was and always have been a rider and horse-person. Leaving the horses for those years was the closest I have ever been to spiritually and physically dying. You take away a person’s keystone, and the rest is delicate, at best. You knew all of that from the moment I was in your orb. Piece by piece, everything you needed to be safe, was something I needed to be whole. Meaning, you brought back a voice in me I had lost touch with - that voice that comes from a place of quiet confidence and clarity without ego or agenda. I had to be clear with you to keep us both safe, but I also had to access my well of patience and let you be you. This was one of the great gifts you gave me.

My favorite memories are when we would dance alone in the early mornings. You made me feel like we were floating in moments of perfect harmony. You could make us hang in the air in such a special way.

Forgive me for not bringing you with me to France. I did what I thought was best, and I left you with the person I trust most. She did a beautiful job caring for you through it all, especially when your liver and kidneys started failing. I cry for not being there to see you through and I never meant to leave you behind.

You were my first horse and my horse of a lifetime. In some way, I think you knew I needed you, and you came to find me the only way you knew how. You are with me everyday, carrying me through it all like only you could.

With all my love and devotion,

Your girl

RIP 7/7/1998 - 8/14/2020